‘No, sorry we don’t have any reservation under your name,’ says Luis, the receptionist.

‘But we have the confirmation email from Tui,’ says Madam.

He poked at his computer screen with a stylus and pressed a few keys. He frowned. ‘No we definitely don’t have your booking. Did they bring you to the wrong hotel?’

Madam fumbles on her phone. ‘Here, here,’ she says, poking at her phone, ‘look, we definitely booked! I have an email!’. A note of desperation was creeping into her voice… read more


I have tried lying in the sun with Madam. I really have. I read somewhere that you should let your mind go blank as a sort of sun worshiping meditation. I will manage it for five minutes then get bored and ask her ‘Do you need anything from the shop? Can I get you a drink from the bar? What do you think is behind that wall? Where do you think that path goes? Do you fancy a walk?’ I will look at her expectantly and she will say something tender and romantic like… read more

Scotland and a New Hat


I purchased two return tickets to Edinburgh for an eye-watering £225 and we passed through the ticket barrier and onto the platform.  Madam immediately stopped and arranged the two suitcases next to the train for a photo.  “I have to update all my public social media right away!” she said.

She is very considerate like that.  She likes to give all of the local burglars plenty of notice as to read more…